The Precipice

You have to wonder at some point about the direction your life is taking. Right now, I've come to realise that I'm in a state of transition. Seeing the world through the eyes of a single person for the first time in three years, tinged as it is with bittersweet emotions, I have to admit that it is extraordinarily exciting. Meeting new people, new potential dates, new potential friends, the thrill of the chase. I wonder how long this newfound excitement, this enhanced state of enlivenment will last.

My excitement is tinged with bitterness alright, three years of what really was a wonderful relationship down the drain, but I think of it in positive terms most of the time. I loved Matus, really and truly, but I knew it had its 'use by' date too. I knew the age difference wasn't the problem, I knew, in my heart of hearts that he knew too that we would perhaps only ride alongside one another for a time, until one of us would lose the other in the open road (if I can steal that imagery from a Tori Amos song for a moment). We didn't bring the columns down, but we sure tried. And isn't that what life is, a conglomeration of complex emotions and experiences one learns to learn from? I'm young, too young for such intensity perhaps, and yet I know it is intensity I seek, I am intense by nature.

One guy I had a first (and only) date with, said I had the most intense look in my eyes when I really paid attention to someone, he said it was attractive but all the same slightly intimidating. I can be sharp as glass, and blunt as hell, but tactful when required. I don't edit myself and say always what I mean, I've always been told my by previous doctor and my parents to try not to be so intense, and not to look at everything so deeply. This I find difficult, it is, after all, my own unique way of looking at the world. Otherwise, I'm not truly seeing what I want to see, what I in fact do see, and how I see it. If that's too intense for some people, then I guess I'm better of recognising that, tuning it to other people's level or just finding people who accept me as I am.

After all, the world is - now- full of possibilities. It's like someone, somewhere has opened a door, another one closes and I stand at the precipice ready to leap...