Give Me Lithium, Or Give Me Death

I walked into my doctor's office, feeling slightly more disillusioned, at the end of my tether, sure there was nothing he could do that would restore my mood to normal. I felt I was in free fall, and there was no-one and nothing to break my fall - I would just go on falling.

He reviewed my file, removed his glasses and ran his hands over his face, furrowing his brow before crossing both arms and pursing his lips.

"Okay the medication change obviously did nothing, did it?" He asks, rhetorically. I stare, teary eyed at what seems to be a vast expanse of desk between us. "So... how would you feel about Lithium? Changing your antidepressants will take a weeks, over a month. I'm not risking your life and leaving you, in this depressed state for another month. We've waited long enough, you're only getting worse. You will get worse. I want you to think about this." He explained that the levels of Lithium he'd place me on, my variant of bipolar disorder (less severe than the classic case) did not warrant high doses of Lithium.

My valiant decision to never take Lithium if I could avoid it, unless all other avenues shut before me, has brought me into a cul-de-sac. The deep, dark heart of a depression, if left uncontrolled, that could lead me to death. In the past, when I'd melodramatically proclaimed "Give me Lithium, or give me death!", never did I assume that one day not taking Lithium could indeed be risking my life. He saw me becoming a suicide risk, within a matter of weeks. He, too, saw me at the end of my rope.

The paranoia is going uncontrolled by all the medications I'm on which should be helping it, I feel mad. I'm easily confused, my concentration is lacking severely, I had to, in the end, admit defeat. Managing my illness my way, didn't work. It was emotional for me to realise that I had to submit, and yes, it felt like submission, but also freedom. The side-effects, if any, can be worked around or worked out. I'm not on a heavy duty dose of Lithium. 200mg for three days, then 400mg from then on. This is the sentence I've been handed down, let me think of it as freedom, and not my doom.